Have you read 'The Five Love Languages of Children'? The book is written by Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, MD. In this book, they write about how we can show our kids how much we love them by finding the way they see and recognize love the easiest. They explain the five love languages as being physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts and acts of service. They have a book for married couples as well. Like alot of men, Kevin's gift is that of physical touch. He needs me to touch him when I walk beside him or sit on the couch with him. When he is stressed...he can be calmed with just one hug! Seriously....it's not me. I'm not magic - but the hug is! Just like we crave certain things from our spouses, our kids crave certain things from us.
Remembering that,I pulled this book out last night as I was thinking how my kids have grown up. Their needs of me and Kevin have changed too. What I mean is this; Scout used to really see acts of service as my show of love for him. When I did things for him, it reaffirmed my love for him. If I didn't do something for him, like cook dinner (Sunday can be cereal night), Scout was likely to feel less loved that night. When I saw this, I would try to make it up to him and fix something for him. Always...I would get a big smile. As if he was saying.."Whew..she still loves me". That is the way he saw it anyway. At the age of 13 now, he is more likely to choose quality time with either Kevin or me. That speaks volumes to him now. The acts of service are still important, but the quality time is the one he'll pick if given a choice.
Max's love language is gifts. He loves treats. Sometimes too much. But that is one way that Max feels loved. The language of gifts doesn't only include store bought items. It can be a gift of a note in his backpack, maybe a note or piece of candy hidden in his desk after a school visit - anything. Just something given to him out of the blue. He loves that!!
When Nick was younger, quality time and acts of service probably tied for his strongest love language. Now....I find that what speaks to him most is words of affirmation. As I reviewed the book last night, I read the section on words of affirmation. I immediately saw a paragraph that stood out to me. It started out by saying that if your child is regularly asking you if they've done something good or what we think about this or that...they are seeking words of affirmation from us. Wow...that totally described what my almost 16 year old is doing. His typical confident self has become a bit unsure lately. He is daily asking me what I think about something he did. Did I think he did a good job driving home? Did I like the song he played on the piano or guitar? What do I think about his clothes? I could go on. I thought that I did a pretty good job complementing him on a daily basis. But maybe, I take for granted that he just knows how I feel or that I think he is talented.
Tonight, we went out for dinner. Kevin is out of town and I worked a little later than usual today. So I called home...told the boys to be ready and we would grab some dinner. When I picked them up, Nick asked if he could drive. He is a good driver so I was fine with that. Within the first few minutes, he had already asked me, 'Am I doing good mom?'. 'Coach Shores said I did a good job driving on the Interstate today'. Seeing the need - :) I quickly said, 'Yeah buddy, you are doing a great job. You are a good driver'. His bearded (yes bearded) face just lit up. He smiled and thanked me, then went on to tell me why he thought he was a good driver. Even though our kids may look confident on the outside they crave and NEED our spoken words of affirmation. Hear that...our spoken words. Maybe now more than they did as little kids. Words of affirmation do not only include the common 'I love you'. Affirming words can also be words of encouragement, agreement and even spiritual discipline. The book goes on to say that if you have a child that has words of affirmation as their primary love language, you'll find that harsh, loud words don't reach them in the way of discipline. Wow...that is so Nick. Nick will totally shut down if he feels we are yelling or mad. But, if we approach him with gentle words, he'll talk about anything! When our children hear us using kind words with them...remember that they too are more likely to share those types of words with others.
Words of Affirmation include; words of affection and endearment, words of praise, words of encouragement, words of guidance. Gary Chapman writes, 'For children whose primary love language is words of affirmation, nothing is more important to their sense of being loved than to hear parents and other adults verbally affirm them. But the reverse is also true - words of condemnation will hurt them very deeply. Harsh and critical words are detrimental to all children, but to those whose primary language is words of affirmation, such negative words are devastating. And they can play those words in their minds for many years'. Wow....the power of words.
Proverbs 12:18 from The Message Translation
18 Rash language cuts and maims,
but there is healing in the words of the wise.
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